Expert Opinion

Board members of the Children's Rights Council of Illinois had the pleasure of listening to recommendations and testimony at the Illinois Family Law Study Committee hearing on January 30, 2009 in Chicago. Dr. Ravitz was one of those that offered recommendations to the Committee. Dr. Ravitz formerly practiced in Chicago and is now at NYU's Child Study Center.

(Click here for website of Dr. Alan Ravitz)

"Children feel most secure when they know that parents place their welfare, both emotional and physical, at the top of their list of priorities (Karen,1994). Parents can accomplish this regardless of whether or not they physically live with their children. All children are comforted by the knowledge that someone older, wiser, and more competent than they is willing to protect and care for them. This is what attachment theory is all about. We know that kids do best when raised in an environment in which their physiological needs are consistently, predictably, and lovingly met. But in order for them to develop the capacity to initiate and sustain healthy interpersonal relationships throughout their lives, their emotional needs must be addressed as well. For children of divorce, this includes overt and covert permission from each parent to maintain a loving, intimate relationship with the other. A confident sense of self derives from children's awareness that their parents really know them and accept them for who they are. This requires that mothers and/or fathers confidently recognize their children's best interests even when the kids themselves do not. It is also vitally important that parents be aware of the possibility that they and their children may have significantly divergent priorities. This is particularly true in divorced and divorcing families."

"Children look to their parents as role models for how to live their lives. In this regard, suffice it to say that actions speak much more loudly than words. It is parental behavior rather than empty platitudes or legal maneuvering that truly has an impact on kids, so it is incumbent upon parents to behave inspirationally. To be an inspiring role model at holiday time, parents simply need to act on what they have been told all of their lives. First, "It is far better to give than to receive." Add to that, "Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you," and one has all the necessary ingredients for handling both the holidays and a family that has been transformed by divorce. Indeed, one of the hallmarks of a truly mature, self-realized human being (i.e. an excellent parent) is the capacity to not just recite, but to act on these oft-quoted aphorisms."

Excerpted from, "Divorce and the Holidays: Split Decisions or Family Friendly Compromise?" by Alan Ravitz, M.D., M.S. NYU Child Study Center

by Dr. Alan Ravitz